Friday, January 31, 2014
I wish this was more specific. Confession about what? That I once stole someone's Doritos out of their lunch when I was in 1st grade? That I lied about how my My Little Ponies got in my bag when I was going to kindergarden? (I said they fell in, they didn't, I just wanted to take them to school with me) That I went to Kindergarden twice because the first year I was 4 and it was a private school and when I switched to public school they put me in 1st grade until they figured out I wasn't old enough to be there and then put me back into kindergarden which started my being bored with school for the rest of my life? (I did still manage to graduate high school early though.)
So what would be an appropriate confession? I've never murdered anyone or anything other than a fish...I didn't even actually kill the fish myself. I've accidentally hit an animal with my car which resulted in my crying a lot. Seriously, I can handle people dying so much better than I can little furry creatures.
Hmmm...I actually kinda miss church. Does that count? I was raised Catholic, we went to church. There was something comforting in the ritual and knowing what to do if something went wrong and having that thing greater than yourself to put your faith in. Someone dies, you do a rosary. Someone's injured, you say a prayer and light a candle. It gave holidays meaning. I actually found myself wanting to go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and was a little sad that we got into town too late for me to go. I don't think B would have wanted to go with me since he's not Catholic and refers to it as trinketry. My faith hasn't changed, I think I just miss the routine. I find comfort in routines and knowing what to do.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Anytime you see me is my most embarrassing moment. I am pretty much embarrassed all of the time since I'm actually painfully shy and insecure. I never know if I am doing, saying, wearing, etc... the right thing. It is a constant balancing act of trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing at any given time, especially since I have vastly different social groups I am forced to hang out with due to work. Am I being too casual, too business, not business enough, too friendly, too cold...seriously, I NEVER KNOW!
I can fake it most of the time, but generally I am constantly grasping at straws trying to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to do. Have you ever seen Dexter? He always has this inner monologue and is trying to figure out how normal people act? What is the socially acceptable and expecting thing to do right now? THAT'S ME ALL THE TIME. I'm not a serial killer. I have never chopped any animal or person to little pieces and hid the body. I'm just really socially awkward. I was the only girl that played D&D in elementary school, I was really good at math, I never did homework and still ended up in the gift program at school. I dressed weird. I actually did the Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show as part of a presentation for a project in middle school. I was the definition of inappropriate and antisocial/awkward growing up. This did not change as I got older.
I did get lucky and found other people who were into the same things I was. Found the rest of my freaks and weirdos, but it still sometimes feel like I've snuck in and waiting to be found out. Any minute they're going to discover I've infiltrated their cool club and figure out that I don't really belong.
I know a lot of this is left over from when I was a kid and being a geek wasn't cool like it is now. There are pictures of me at Sci-Fi Cons as a baby. I have the coronation dress I wore as a baby when my dad was crowned King in the SCA. I watched all the Dr. Who and everything else on PBS that there was because that's what my parents (and grandparents) watched. I am a third generation geek. Going through my grandparents house and have boxes and boxes of sic-fi and actual science books. I can't imagine a house not being covered in books because it's all I've ever known. So yeah, I come by it honestly, but these are not the things that "made you cool" when I was growing up. Sure, I was queen of the geeks (only girl, I pretty much got it by default) but that still meant I was a geek in a an ungeek friendly world.
So yeah, pretty much any time you see me I am embarrassed going over things in my head trying to figure out what to do. Every moment of my life is the most embarrassing moment ever and I'm just trying to get through it.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Which closet? My burlesque closet? My clothing closet? The coat closet? The luggage closet? I am assuming not B's clothing closet since it said your closet. (Our apartment is mostly closets actually)
That pretty much sums up everything that's in my closets actually...
I am very distracted by the storm and the friends I have trapped out in the freezing cold right now. Sorry.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I have been an avid Doctor Who fan since I was a kid. The first Doctor I remember was Tom Baker, the 4th doctor in the series. You never forget your first doctor. I know I saw the previous and the latter, but that's who I remember the most from my childhood. I think it was the iconic quirkiness and the giant scarf that made him so memorable. So, having seen that and being considered an outcast and a weirdo for it when I was a child,* it was rather interesting to me that there was all of a sudden a resurgence of Doctor Who. I mean, sure, I had a Tom Baker Doctor Who burlesque routine complete with Tardis and scarf, but all of a sudden people out side of cons were recognizing that it was a Tardis and not just a Police Box.** I caught a few of these newer episodes, but nothing regularly as I didn't really have time. Since I just graduated in Dec and I wasn't producing, stage managing, etc... anything in January it seemed like it was time. It was every bit as hokey and wonderful as I remember it being when I was a kid. I started with the Doctor Who1st season^ and watched all the way through the first half of the 7th season^^ because that was as far as it would let me go with my Amazon Prime membership.
So I am stranded with out being able to go further in the series, now what am I going to do? Well there was this character, Captain Jack Harkness, that was fun and beloved enough that he got his own series, Torchwood...so I watched that. All of that. Seriously, I think it took me like 4 days to watch all four seasons. The season in America got weird and frankly, it was funny to hear him be "American" and continually mispronounce words.# I am sure they feel that way when they see American's do bad British accents so I guess it's all fair. But that was only four seasons, and not even full seasons at that, so I still had time to kill and needed SOMETHING to be background noise while I worked on my computer all the time for Southern Fried Burlesque Fest...what should be next?
Sherlock. Keep in mind I have read all the original Sherlock Holmes novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle so I am no stranger to the great detective. The "seasons" (seriously? 3 episodes each) were based on the original stories which were well done. It was fun and I enjoyed Benedict Cumberbatch in the role. I used to watch the Basil Rathbone and Jeremy Brett versions when I was younger.## I have been in love with these stories for a long time and I think that it's something that will always fascinating to people because of the amazingness of his mind. We all wish that we were that observant. If you were smart enough you could actually work to be as great as he was. You didn't need lots of money, or super powers, you just had to be smart and dedicated. And the fact that Sherlock has flaws with addition and being a high functioning sociopath it makes him more likable because he's not perfect. Television shows like Psych, The Mentalist, etc... exist because of an on going fascination with Doyle's work. Even modern day crime shows like CSI, NCIS, that are based on examining evidence owe their existence to him. So now I'm watching the new episodes as they come out and I remember why I tend to wait until a show is cancelled to watch because I am terribly impatient.
Speaking of terribly impatient, I added Downton Abbey to the list of must watch this month of British theme. It's kinda awesome. I was reluctant to get into it because everyone was ranting and raving about it so much it rather put me off. Last time someone ranted and raved about something I was sorely disappointed because there was no way it could live up after being built up that much. However, I do love a period piece and that's exactly what this is. It very much reminded me of Gosford Park, maybe because Maggie Smith was in that as well.~ We don't have nobility in the USA so I think that's why so many of us are a little fascinated by it. It's part of our history and yet means nothing to us here. It's a study of the class system and you end up feeling pretty bad and attached to everyone involved no matter their station. I am now keeping up with it as the new episodes come on as well. I went as far as I could on Amazon Prime and then watched the episodes on the PBS website to get caught up before this past Sunday.
So here I am. I can't watch the second half of the Doctor Who 7th Season. I am done with Torchwood. I am waiting on the new episodes of Downton Abbey and Sherlock. What am I supposed to watch now? I threw on The Tudors for back ground noise while I decide, but I've seen them all before. I'm taking recommendations.
*Ya know, back before being a geek was cool, I remember going to cons as a kid in the 80s, they were totally different.
**Yes, when I was in London I totally looked for a Police Box and was sorely disappointed. DON'T JUDGE ME!
^Seriously, the 1st season of a show that had it's 50th anniversary in 2013? It acknowledges the original series, it's not a reset, it's a continuation...ugh...so dumb that we have to say new and classic as a result unless you just go by Doctors which really makes the most sense anyway.
^^Why did they keep all the specials separate, WHY? it was so frustrating that I was having to hunt them down rather than they be in the frickin' seasons with the rest of the episodes.
#By mispronounce I mean with English pronunciations, because if he's supposed to be American it was wrong.
##I did mention this was a resurgence of an old forgotten love affair with PBS, right?
~I, in fact looked it up and apparently Downton Abbey was originally going to be a spinoff of Gosford Park and they decided to set it at an earlier time period...so I guess that's why it reminded me of it.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Hidden? You're supposed to keep them hidden and not exploit and use them? What's the point in that? Things I know I can do that some people consider a talent:
Sing (though I rarely do it in public any more, I get stage fright)
Drafting...no really, I even enjoy it
Set and Prop Building
Argue logically with out emotional entanglement (I can get super anally fact focused when it calls for it)
I can fake through doing someone else's hair, but not my own. I can't reach the back of my head.
Edit and mix songs.
Yeah...that's pretty much what I can think of and everyone pretty much knows I can do all those things because my choice of profession pretty much requires me to be able to do them all at any given time.
Oooh...maybe you don't know that I know how to do house remodeling. My mom used to live in places that needed work all the time so I got really good at it when I was younger. I also have a really good memory for really weird moments in time. I apparently remember things that others forget, little things like how someone wants their sandwich and stuff like that. I will forget names, but I'll remember what they're drinking or a weird story they told me once. Also, I don't get forget everything drunk. Doesn't matter how much I drink, I am the person everyone calls to find out what happened the night before, it's both a talent and a curse.
I can't think of anything else. Not trying to sound conceited but most of my talents are things I have worked very hard to be good at through school and practice. When you work that hard to gain those skills you have to brag about them in order to get hired for jobs.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
I don't believe in regret. Though it sounds like a copout, its true. Everything I have ever done has led me to where I am now. Are there things I could have done differently? ABSOLUTELY! I by no means think that I have lived my life perfectly and know that there are many things I could have done better, but I didn't. I did, however, learn from those experiences and therefore they're still valuable experiences.
I wish I hadn't wasted so much time doing things that didn't make me happy career wise, but it took me a while to figure out what I wanted.
I wish I hadn't been so damaged by my parents divorce and my mother abandoning us that I stayed with some very terrible people and some very bad situations way longer than I should have rather than being alone, however I am much stronger for having been there.
Sometimes I wish that I had gotten married and had kids already, but it would have been with the wrong person if I had done it earlier.
Sometimes I wish I had more faith in myself earlier in my life and had pursued acting and such more when I had the chance. I love the behind the scenes stuff I do more now, but I wish I had spent more time with the other before I transitioned.
Should I have taken that offer to shoot with Playboy when I was 16...nah...saying no was a good call!
I believe that love grows best out of friendship. Basically it should be your best friend that you're attracted to. Yes, I am a firm believer that no matter how awesome a person is you need to be physically attracted to them. Maybe I'm superficial, but if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone they should be the whole package. I don't think that people should settle when it comes to their mates.
So what attracts me in love is the same thing that attracts me to everyone in my life. I like for people who share my interests, enjoy bad jokes, aren't politically correct (I'd rather people be honest than afraid of offending someone, real feelings aren't PC), and enjoy spending time with me but not to the point that I can't spend time with anyone else. I've never been one of those I only want to hang out with this one person always.
Generally, just be fun, pleasant and honest and you're good.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
It doesn't have an amount. I am assuming that it means a large amount of money because if it was a $1 scratch off or something there's not a whole lot you can do with $1. So, if I won the mega millions or something like that...
Get out of debt. I'm actually doing well, but need to pay off the remaining estate debt, etc...
Either fix or trade in Smurfula to get a running SUV. Seriously I need an SUV.
Purchase a house. I need a sewing/rehearsal room. B needs a music room and a garage. We would be so dangerous if B had a garage.
Set aside the rest to pay for property taxes, etc...
And probably some cool shoes and a giant boa...ya know, the neccessities.
Friday, January 24, 2014
I have abandonment issues so I think people are going to leave me so sometimes I push them away.
I bite my nails.
Sometimes I smoke, but not regularly.
I get very blunt and matter of fact. I'm not trying to be mean, trying to be efficient and not waste time when I'm in a hurry and it comes across as mean because I'll drop a please and thank you when I'm telling 20 people something...sometimes people take it personally, I should be better about please and thank you, especially when I am in a hurry.
I forgot to eat and sleep. I get busy and forget and then I get cranky.
I'm not good at telling people no when they ask for things, or in some cases assume things. I'm great about it for gig negotiation stuff, not so great when it's a friend asking and then I end up feeling taken advantage of when I'm the one that didn't say no. Mostly that's because the people that make me feel that way if I only hear from them when they need something.
I am sure there are lots of other bad habits that many people would love to point out, but I can only spend so much time focusing on my negative traits before it makes me focus on only them. It's for my own sanity that I stop here.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Every single ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan in it, seriously, every time I see those puppies with their noses pressed against the cages and the song Angel swells behind all of their sad little eyes...gets me everytime.
Other things that make me sad...
People who take my loudness for meanness...seriously, even my whispering carries. I'm not trying to be mean, I am actually just loud.
Stupid books, movies or tv shows that I get all caught up. Seriously, I get too attached to the characters. (This also sometimes makes me angry, happy, etc...)
Bad dreams. I have them a lot and they're vivid and if I can't go back to sleep and give my brain a reset, even if it's just for a moment, they'll ruin my whole day.
There are other things, but it kind of gets repetitive.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Today, today made me happy.
I have been really sick for the past week. Other than swinging by 7 Stages for about an hour on Friday and going to the grocery store that night I had not left the house since last Tuesday when I had a show. (Would not have gone out if I wasn't the producer.) I realize that sounds fairly extreme, but in an effort to rest up and actually let my body heal, I choose to take that route. I don't have health insurance. (Yes I have filled out the info on HealthCare.gov 3 different times with no luck, my state choose not to expand it's Medicare program so I probably can't get covered anyway) My best option was to stay home and rest, A LOT! Seriously, so much rest. Thank goodness for the internet or I may have gone insane.
Today was the first day I actually kind of felt like a normal human being. I was able to get a lot of Southern Fried Burlesque Fest work done for line-ups and such. I was also able to follow up for some up coming classes and other gigs which is always nice. (Even just to say, hey, I've been super sick, please forgive me) I was invited to a friend's surprise b-day party which meant I LEFT THE HOUSE! It was a late enough party that B was able to get home and take a nap so he could come with me, which is awesome! The party was great and I got to see a lot of people who I haven't seen in a while. B and I got to go in public like a normal couple which was also awesome as we rarely have our schedules match between various work things. I came home to discover the interview/scholarship application I went to in Nov meant I was accepted so I can now have the decision about what I want/need to do rather than feel like it was decided for me. To top it all off, I got the pics from my Cthulhuesque routine I did with Pin Up Girl Cosmetics back in the fall and they are awesome. Today was awesome!
I know that this list doesn't sound very impressive, but it's the little things that make it worth while. All of these little things add up to a well rounded happy existence rather than extreme up and downs, hovering around content is a good place to be. All I ever wanted in life is to make a comfortable living doing something I love. I don't need to be rich or famous, I just want to be able to do what I love with out fear that I will not have a roof over my head at the end of the day. I think that's a reasonable and legitimate thing to desire. This is what makes me happy!
Monday, January 20, 2014
How can anyone ever answer this question? You want serious drama, All About Eve. You want a life affirming comedy, Auntie Mame. You want favorite horror series, Hellraiser. You want favorite dark comedy, the original Evil Dead trilogy. Favorite buddy movie, The Last Lovecraft. Favorite Sci-Fi, I stand by Event Horizon even though it could also be categorized as horror. Favorite musical, Cabaret. Favorite cartoon movie, though I love Malificent in Sleeping Beauty more than anything (best villain ever) I'm going to go with Disney's Robin Hood tied with the Reader's Digest Presents, The Little Mermaid (where she dies at the end). Honorable mention should go to The Fox and the Hound and The Hobbit/The Lord of the Rings/The Return of the King, I wore out those VHS tapes. Favorite vampire movie, Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Seriously, I can keep going. I LOVE MOVIES! Movies are my jam and I love them so very much. I seriously have an entire wall covered in movies. I have VHS/DVD/Blurays, collections, boxed sets, promo discs, copies of movies burned on DVDs from movies that no longer exist because they never made the crossover to DVD and beyond. I love flicks.
I was an only child and these were my best friends. My dad had to work all the time and I was a latch key kid and nothing is ever on when you want to watch it, so I turned to movies. If I had a bad day, I could choose to wallow or be cheered up depending on what I put in the player. I could discover new worlds or visit those I already loved. They were the background noise I needed to keep being alone in the house from being scary. They were the familiar noises of my childhood. They were safe and exotic at the same time. So yeah, asking me something as simple as what's your favorite movie is much more complicated then you would probably think.
This Wendy doesn't make me want to eat there, which is sad because I do love Wendy's. It's always been my preferred fast-food burger joint because of the better quality of food and healthier selection. Why don't they bring back the gentler, kinder, ACTUAL Wendy and get the advertising back to being about the product and classy like it was when Dave Thomas was still around rather than this horrible self righteous child who they're writing to be as obnoxious as possible. I actually feel bad for the actress in that role and hope that she's not actually like that. Everyone needs the money and the break, I get it, but sheesh! I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for her. Wendy's used to be better than this. I don't think this was his vision considering the change in advertising since his death. Classic is classy, this is crap.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Most of the pictures I actually like of myself are either fancy shmancy professional pin-up photos or completely ridiculous pictures with friends when I'm out and about. Since I very often post the pin-up pics, we're gonna do a silly one instead. This was taken by my friend Akiko when she and I dressed up for Cow Appreciation Day to get free food.
(Please note this was before everything came out and all the boycotting and stuff started so I don't want to hear it)
My absolute favorite blog is Bitches Gotta Eat. There is nothing she doesn't write about and it's very matter of fact and hilarious. Samantha Irby is a genius! She is the author of the book Meaty which is collection of all new essays not found in her blog. Yup, such a great blogger they gave her a book deal. Dying for her book tour to come to Atlanta so we can go eat awesome food, drink and I can get her book autographed!
I do also like The Lingerie Addict. I'll pop on there when I'm needing inspiration for a burlesque costume. See if there's anything new out or a sale going on that will work with the costume image I have in my head. It's a nice resource when I'm at a dead end.
Delightful Order is the blog that make me want to be a better person. I suppose if I had the time, and the space and it was my job to be delightfully organized I would do all of these things. Unfortunately a lot of her organizing ideas require you to have the space or permission to have built in cabinet, there are still somethings that work for a renter in a small apartment. Either way, it's OCD porn. If you longer for organization the go and stare longingly at the photos and day dream about how organized your lit could be...that's what I do.
Sew Many Ways is a craft blog, they also have recipes, etc... I like to poke around in their recycle section and such to see if there's something I can do with weird crap I have around my house. It's a raining day blog, AKA I'm stuck in side going stir crazy and need something to do!
21st Century Burlesque is the blog I read the most for "work". It covers burlesque new, events, festivals, shows, etc... from all over the world. It has a lot of valuable information about laws, trends, everything. It includes blogs by different performers about different events which is really a great way to get behind the scenes of festivals and see different perspectives. I hope that someone eventually does a blog about Southern Fried Burlesque Fest some day.