IRL: Being Depressed is Lame

I know I am depressed.  Surprisingly, that's not the problem.  The problem is that I keep getting told that I am not allowed to be depressed because my life is so awesome which is really unfair.  Way to completely invalidate my feelings, what I am going through, etc... because you don't immediately understand what could possibly be wrong with me or my life.

I have battled with depression for most of my life.  Yes, sometimes it has external triggers, but generally it is something that I cycle through because of chemicals in my brain.  If it's just the chemical cycle I can usually shake it off and power through it by keeping myself busy.  When things are actually wrong on top of one of these cycles it gets really bad.  Telling me I have nothing to be sad about is not helpful.

Why are you stressed out about work, at least you get to do something you love?  

It's true, I do get to do something I love for a living and it is amazing!  I do often get to work on stuff that I am so proud to be a part of and really fuels my soul with awesomeness, but not every job is artistically and creatively fulfilling.  Sometimes I'm working tech for a panel, for a school's meeting, for terribly written shows, etc...  However, as a recent graduate (I finished school this past December) I am trying to get myself more into the job market.  I am a freelance technician which means I have ZERO JOB SECURITY.  My employment is on the whims of others and is only every temporary.  Sometimes these contracts are for one day, one week, one month, etc... but they're going to end.  This means that while I am working on one job I am also having to constantly line-up additional jobs and I can't really say no to any of them because I don't know if there's going to be another one after that and I have to keep all my bills paid and try to stash as much money as possible for the dead times when there is no work.  Which brings me to my next point

Why are you so stressed out about money when you your boyfriend pays your rent?

This one just generally pisses me off.  B pays for our apartment, this is true.  I cover the storage unit that we share which costs around 1/3 of what he pays for where we live.  I also pay for my own health insurance, cell phone bill, car insurance, gas, etc...  you know the general things that one needs to exist.  Oh, did I also mention that I pay almost $1000 a year on property taxes for a house I don't live in 4 hours away?  That I also pay the electric bill for this house each month?  Don't forget the phone bill and the alarm system that I have to keep since the house sits empty on top of buying things for repairs and up keep ON A HOUSE I DON'T LIVE IN.  And somehow I pay for all of this while making an average of $500 a month.  Some months are better than others, but some months there is almost nothing coming in.   B and I have taken turns helping the other out if one of us gets a head, but neither of us completely financially supports the other.  When we first lived together I covered all the rent and he paid for the storage unit so things come around.  Which leaves me to my next point.

You have an awesome boyfriend, how could you possibly be sad?

Your happiness is not based on another human being.  I'm going to say that again, your happiness is not based on another human being.  It doesn't matter how awesome another person is, happiness is internal.  External things can contribute to your over all happiness, but if you are not basically happy it won't magically make you happy.  Depression includes:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

• Fatigue and decreased energy

• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

• Irritability, restlessness

• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

• Overeating or appetite loss

• Persistent aches or pains, headaches,  cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

These all cause major stress on any relationship; be they friendship, your partner, your co-workers, etc...  Being depressed affects all of the aspects of your life because it is an underlying theme in your existence.  Again, your happiness is not based on another human being, it has to come from within.  If you don't have it no one else is going to give it to you.  Significant others, friends, family, they are all helpful; but they are not your source of happiness.  It is something you have to work on for yourself and you have to work on it every day.  Some days are harder than others to keep it up.  This is normal.  It is a daily struggle to be a functioning member of society if you suffer from depression, especially if all you want to do is hide under a pile of blankets.  

I didn't write this as a "poor me, I'm so sad" post but as a "hey, these are things that happen so please don't invalidate my feelings because you don't get it" post. You may not understand why this happens because it may not happen to you.  If it doesn't happen to you then congratulations, you don't suffer from depression and that's great.  For those of us that do, this is our reality.  This is our daily struggle to keep going and try to make the best of what we have even when we don't feel up to it.  So please, PLEASE, don't tell someone their experience is doesn't matter because they're going through something you don't understand. 

2014-07-20 Late: A Cowboy Song

I was fortunate enough to be invited to go see The Weird Sister's Theater Project Late: A Cowboy Song's preview last week at Actor's Express.  In the interest of full disclosure, I am friends with Christen Orr, the actor playing Red in this production.

The show is nestled on top of Actor's Express production of The Rocky Horror Show so the setting is very much found space with the elaborate Rocky set wrapped in black and the floor is covered in a painted drop cloth.  It is a very interesting way to make a set being used for such an opposite feel work with only the occasional glossy red marble from Rocky peaking through.  The rest of the set (designed by Lee Maples) seemed very literal as there was talk of being fenced in and the set was comprised mostly of chain link fence.  Though appropriate, I would have liked to have seen something a little deeper.

The script, written by Sarah Ruhl, is a bit jumpy and hard to follow at the beginning of the story.  The opening seemed very forced with trying to establish the central relationship.  I don't know if it was because it was the first showing, the director's choice or how it was written, but the relationship between Mary and Crick did not seem natural.  The scenes were short and the scene changes were as long as the scenes they were between.  The second half the transitions went much quicker and the holiday montage was pretty amusing.  The second half explained many of the choices in the first, I just wish we hadn't had to wait so long for things to become clear.  The script dealt with multiple issues such as abusive relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and traditional genders roles.  These were a lot of issues to cram into a show that was around an hour and a half long and made dealing with each issue seem weaker than if the author had chosen to pick just one to have as the focus of the story line.

One of the choices I thought was interesting was not having the baby be a doll and was instead portrayed by a blue light.  Once I understood that was the case it was a nice touch, but it did take a minute to realize what was going on due to site lines as it was not always visible from where I was sitting.  In general, I understand that the lighting design (done by Tara O'Neill) was probably difficult for the same reason the set was hard, as it was focused for Rocky, however, there were moments due to the angles of the lights that the audience was blinded by the LEDs used.  I am unsure if this could have been avoided somehow, but it was very distracting during the show.

Over all the acting seemed to match the intention of the script, but some of the directing (which was done by Jaclyn Hoffman) felt like very obvious first choices and I think it could have been pushed further and emotionally deeper.  Crick, played by Jacob York, was the emotionally abusive husband with homophobic tendencies, who went between nice guy to possessive, needy and jealous.  It was not an easy role and I think York did a pretty good job with what he had to work with, however his nice guy was much more believable than his villain.  After seeing his amazing performance in 7 Stages 2013 production of Topher Payne's Angry Fags, I know he has a lot more to bring to the table if he had been pushed in the right direction.

Mary, played by Kelly Criss, was a very complex character with the internal struggle between her childhood love, her intersex child and confusion as to her sexual orientation.  The underlying emotional struggle was there in many of her scenes, but again some of the directing choices seemed to actually be holding her back.  I really felt she had a lot more to give to the role.

Red, played by Christen Orr, was the stereotypical lesbian cowboy playing guitar and wearing chaps.  As someone who grew up around horses I felt that the chaps were unnecessary in inappropriate in the non-horse scenes, but that may have been due to time constraints for costume changes to work.  Some of the highlights were when Orr played guitar and sang during some of the scene changes where the songs were funny and complimented the previous scene.  They also gave the audience something to do rather than just sitting in the dark waiting for the many scenes changes to finish.  As the role was written to be stereotypical that is what you get from Orr and it is appropriate, but I would have liked to have seen more layers than the stereotypes that we keep trying to reject in society.

Speaking if highlights, the shadow puppet of the horse, created by Beau Brown, was amazingly well done. The joints were articulated and very much represented an actual horse. I do wish that the actors had also been behind the screen and the scenes with the horse were purely in shadow. With the actors standing in front of the screen interacting with the horse it was sometimes hard to see duty sightlines as the actors bodies were actually blocking their shadows.  Due to this site line issue there was actually a very powerful moment at the end with the shadow of Red, Mary, Blue and the horse that was almost completely lost due to not being able to see all of the shadows.

Overall I wasn't wowed by the preview, but I did see that it had a lot of potential and I hope that during its run it reaches it.  Though nothing can be done about the script, I think that if they can settle out of their roles it can still become a show that the actors can be proud of.

2014-06-29 Last Pasties Standing: Motown Showdown

Not long after we moved the Syrens of the South Tease Tuesday shows to Red Light Cafe a second super awesome burlesque show popped up there as well called Last Pasties Standing that is produced by the ever amazing Sadie Hawkins.  Sadie's vision is a ridiculous game show of improv and intrigue!  Each show has a theme which dictates the music that will be used for the acts.

Here's the description from the website:

"Last Pasties Standing is a burlesque game show in which two (8, actually) will enter, one will…. well, nobody will end up wearing much.

This show is all about on-the-spot, creative improvisation and audience response. Eight burlesque-a-teers will take the stage and create spontaneous performances in head-to-head strip-offs to songs selected right as they get on stage. Who does it better? That’s for the audience to judge. Winners will go on to the next round, playoff style. There are additional burlesque-themed games inviting audience and performer participation, as well.

Join us for a night of spur-of-the-moment striptease and silly, sexy fun!"

So how this works is that each performer brings 3 costumes (one for each round) and you find out who you're up against and what song you'll be performing to by the luck of the draw.  The audience decides the winner of each pairing and they go on to the next round.  In the case of a tie they become a duet, another tie they become a trio, etc... until at the end of the three rounds there is a winner declared.  The winner gets bragging rights and assorted crappy prizes!

After months of this amazing event happening I finally got to go see the June 29th Motown Showdown.  The show was silly and fun, full of ridiculousness and a a great time.  Watching the performers pull the routines out of thin air along with trying to make their chosen costumes work with their given song was really an amazing show of skill.  The performances sometimes got really weird, you can tell a lot about the performer by what their default improv styles are, but they were always fun to watch even if they were kind of a train wreck because of not being familiar with the song or trying to duet a trio with people you had never even met, let a lone worked with, before.  The winner was Benjamin Elizabeth and she was very excited about her crappy prizes!

The shows are one Sunday a month and a seriously fun time.  I highly recommend going and enjoying yourself immensely.  The next one is on July 20th at Red Light Cafe.  Doors are at 8pm, show at 9pm and it's usually done around 11/11:30ish so you can still get a decent night's sleep before you go to work the next morning.

July Performer Spotlight: Nikki Nuke'm

Photo by Trent Chau Photography

I met Nikki Nuke'm almost a year ago at the open house for The Atlanta School of Burlesque.  She was an amazing teacher, a wonderful person and with Ursula Undress's recommendation I began hiring Nikki for Tease Tuesday shows that evolved into her having a open invitation to perform with Syrens of the South whenever she was available.  She's a great addition to the Atlanta Burlesque community!

1. How did you come up with your stage name and tag line?  Does it have a special meaning to you?

I came up with Nikki Nuke'm while I was driving in my car coming home.  I was thinking about my persona...whacky, daring, almost cartoonish.  Nuke'm (like Nuke Them!) holds a special place in my heart from my love for the Fallout franchise and all things post-apocalyptic themed.  

2. How did you get started in burlesque?

I was first introduced to burlesque by Ursula Undress, Lola LeSoleil, and Fonda Lingue!  I saw them perform at the South East Mosaic Festival last year and became enthralled with this fabulous art and dance form.  Within a month of moving to Atlanta I was performing in local burlesque shows as a fire eater and snake dancer and before I knew it...I bought my first pasties!

Photo by Lisa Eckman June Tease Tuesday

3. What has been your best moment as a performer so far?

Honestly it would have to be when I was stripping for the first time and my tearaway pants got stuck in my butt cheeks.  I was SO scared all night that my butt was going to grab hold of those pants and I was going to be so embarrassed.  And it happened.  But it really wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be.  Everyone laughed and cheered anyway and no one died and I relaxed way more with my mistake.  Mission accomplished.

4. What is your favorite act to perform?

I really love eating fire and it's the act I perform the most.  I love the "rise" I get out of the audience!  But honestly...I would have to say my favorite act to perform is anything with my ball python Mordecai.  A lot of people have misconceptions about these gentle creatures and at EVERY SHOW I bring him to, I get to show people just how sweet snakes can be!  Some people who were too scared to be near him will have him around their necks by the end of the night!

Photo by Broken Skulls Productions

5. What is your burlesque dream show?

Oh gosh...I don't really know!  I'm still so fresh to the burlesque scene I haven't even witnessed a fraction of the possibilities!!  I guess...I would be tickled pink if I could see an all "legends" show...I have a love for classics and to see women who ruled the stages then, take those stages yet again, would be really amazing to me.

6. Where do you see your self in the next five years?

TAKING OVER THE WORLD!  But no seriously, I see myself getting more involved and more brave and going on tour--with fire, snakes, swords, canes, and more!  And of course...making more and more sparkly costumes for people I adore!

7. Tell us something outside of burlesque that you are involved or interested in.

Outside of burlesque, belly dancing is actually my main source of income.  But I could talk about dancing all day!  My actual hobbies include:  swimming (recreational and dance, of course), exercise and weight lifting, video games, and drawing.

8. What do you think is your greatest skill, not including burlesque?

I'm a pretty great swimmer, not gonna lie.  Not just swimming laps I mean, but modeling underwater, inversions, free diving, coaching, etc.

9. What are you most looking forward to this year as a burlesque performer? As a civilian?

As a burlesque performer, I am most looking forward to learning!  There is so much history and knowledge for me to access that I can barely contain myself.  It's like entering a huge cave system--but instead of stalactites, it's tassles!  As a civilian, I love how many shows there are in the area that are so easy for me to access.  As someone who performs constantly for a living, it's very refreshing to have so many options to just put on a nice dress and grab a cocktail and see a show.  

10. Who is your favorite performer to watch?

Photo by Trent Chau Photography

That's a tough one...there are so many I love to watch!  But I'll go ahead and choose the latest celebrity performer I saw--Franki Markstone.  Her muscular isolations, her smile, her costumes... everything!  She's funny and has a great stage presence.  And she's super sweet to boot!  She's definitely someone I look up to now.

Sometimes it's more than a paycheck

Mass Transit Muse
Photo by Stungun Photography

Every once in a while people get to do a job that they actually love, I am one of those lucky people.  This season has been filled with amazing shows that I have gotten to work on that are not only a paying gig, but artistically inspiring and fulfilling.

I started the 2013-14 7 Stages Season helping bring Mass Transit Muse to the Beltline, to Elevate as the first performance ever allowed on MARTA and then to the stage as a full production in May towards the end of the season.  This was a show that I accidentally stumbled into back in January of 2013 during its Homebrew workshop and became part of the MTM family and it was a wonderful experience.  To work on it from the beginning and see it go from the book based on Michael Molina's spoken word to the 30 minute pieces we did for the Beltline, to a moving piece using space and travel in addition to staging on the Marta to the stage with full lights and cast.  It totally didn't hurt that a critic actually complimented my lighting, calling it "moody and effective" which almost never happens.  Usually if tech is in a review it means something has gone terribly wrong and we're being called out (they did say they wished it was a but brighter) rather than complimented.  So yeah, that was pretty exciting!

Krampus Presents: The Tragical Death of Faust
Photo by Stungun Photography

The not quite so long term yet also long term project I got to do was Krampus: The Tragical Death of Faust in December.  Though each year is a different story the basic premise is the same, a celebration of Christmas with things that are not normally the highlights of the holiday season.  The disfunctionality of God and his abandonment of his son, Jesus.  Satan trying to make it as a single dad with his daughter, the antichrist.  The age old story of trying to sell your soul and how if you do it around the holidays you may be interrupting holiday plans for the underworld so you might not get what you bargained for...you know, the normal holiday stuff.  With the video sections being filmed in advance we actually started in November to get everything up and running as much as possible for December.  We turned the lobby of 7 Stages into a crappy mall to go along with the actual mall shots of Satan (yes, in full make-up) taking Damien to go see Santa.  I assure you that they were not ready for Rob to be walking around the mall in full make-up and horns, but the footage was priceless (especially in the food court).

Dracula: The Rock Opera CD Release
Photo by Stungun Photography

January was my month off as I had just graduated school (with High Honors during all of these shows no less) and it's that ambiguous dead month in the theater as everyone disappeared for the holidays and it takes a minute for everything to get back up and running.  February we came back for the Dracula: The Rock Opera CD Release.  If you've ever read my blog before you may remember that I actually attempted to document what it's like to do one of these in my Dracula Diary.  People are always asking what it is exactly that I do and this gave a decent brief summary of what my life is like during these shows.  Fourteen hour days, lighting design, stage managing and in this particular case, video editing.  It was a fun reunion of most of the cast and crew that worked on the full show two years ago.  We decorated the lobby with their costumes, we sang, we told stories and generally had a blast getting to hang out again.  It's one of those shows that I will never get sick of because the cast and crew are so awesome!

Secret History of Love

After getting through Dracula and Mass Transit Muse I got to do some smaller fun things for the theater.  I was Master Electrician for the Sean Dorsey Dance Company touring show Secret History of Love which was just beautifully done and came with an amazing free workshop!  Seriously, just dancing and having a great time with everyone was awesome.  It was so inspiring to just have that much fun with movement again.  Sometimes you just need to have a break, take a step back and reconnect with the basics.   I also ran the tech for an amazing reading for Mommer 'n' Diddy What Live Next Door by C.W. Thornton, which had me laughing in the booth so hard I was afraid I was going to miss my cues.  However, part of being at 7 Stages is the element of activism and I ran tech for The REAL State of the Union by Georgia WAND and A Conversation with Chairman John Eaves which discussed the funding and budgets for the arts community in Fulton County. Though not necessarily as fun and creative as the other jobs this season,  the meeting with Chairman Eaves may have been the most important event  I worked all year.  This meeting has inspired multiple artists to go and speak at the budget meetings and have their voices heard to show why the arts are important to the community.

That was my second season with 7 Stages.  I've gotten to do more shows thanks to being at 7 Stages such as The Atlanta Fringe Festival and Exposed: Humanity in Motion which I just finished, but those were separate amazing opportunities that I'll go into later in another post.  My season at 7 Stages, just what I did directly for 7 Stages, was amazing.  So when people ask me why I choose to hang around 7 Stages and keep working and sometimes volunteering my time there, this is why.  These amazing shows, these amazing people I get to work with and these amazing events I get to help create and put out into the world because sometimes it's more than a paycheck, it's what I need to feed my soul.

Spot Light on Atlanta's Ruby Redmayne

Cave girl by Vinson Smith

I am going to continue to try to spot light these amazing performers in Atlanta.  We have such an amazing thriving scene here and it has so much community and family in it that it should be celebrated!  

Ruby Redmayne has been on the Atlanta scene since 2010.  I actually found (back when my flip camera worked) that I had done an interview with her the day of her debut and thought it might be a fun thing to share as well.  So you get two interviews!

1. How did you come up with your stage name and tag line?  Does it have a special meaning to you?

My first performance name which I registered was Suki Tawdry, which I still love and may use again one of these days. I changed it to Ruby Redmayne because my hair is such a major part of my identity, and I have yet to perform as anything but a red head.

Panty throw by Wombat

2. How did you get started in burlesque?

I had one of those "big birthdays"  and realized my life had become very mundane. I didn't intend to perform, but I signed up for the Syrens of the South classes before I had even seen my first burlesque show. Its been an incredible journey. 

3. What has been your best moment as a performer so far?

I love performing in places and shows that have an audience that doesn't see burlesque regularly. Performing at the Goat Farm for a radio fundraiser, Killer Creek Harley Davidson for St Patrick's day, the High Museum with a production by Talloolah Love, 7 Stages with AXA and Krampus Xmas, DooGallery for an art opening~and last but not least, opening the WigOut drag show at the Atlanta Eagle! 

I treasure these shows because they are challenging and exciting.

White crinoline by Rose Riot

[Editor's Note: You have no idea how happy it made me to see multiple shows she did with Syrens of the South in her favorites.  This is why I keep producing and cultivating shows!]

4. What is your favorite act to perform?

SHAKEWEIGHT! Yaaaasssss. Haha. Also, Bouncy Ball and La Vie en Rose. 

5. What is your burlesque dream show? 

I love the shows most that mix burlesque, drag and variety. I can't get enough of those. 

6. Where do you see your self in the next five years?

Oh honey, I'm lucky to make it through the next five minutes. 

Wait!  Laws of Attraction....I see myself in Tahiti with four Polynesian lovers.  

7. Tell us something outside of burlesque that you are involved or interested in.

I'm an exercise nut. Its 99% of what I do. The remaining 1% is I make Crappily Crafted Crafts and give them away. 

Valkyrie and nihilists by Greg the Mayor

8. What do you think is your greatest skill, not including burlesque?

Im very verbal and I like people in general. 

9. What are you most looking forward to this year as a burlesque performer? As a civilian?

As a performer, I'm always looking forward to inspiration. Whether I do a number one time or many times, I am passionate about freedom of expression. That is what I appreciate most about this art form.  

Civilian wise?  I travel for my birthday. Got a good plan this year. I need it. 

10. Who is your favorite performer to watch?

I adore Salome Cabaret out of Knoxville. As a group or individually, they blow me away. 

And now for your super special ancient bonus video!

Spot light on Sunny Midnight (or why I suck)

So back in March for her (our) birthday month I asked Sunny Midnight to do an interview as I would like to keep spotlighting performers from around Atlanta much like I interview all the Burlesque Legends whenever I get a chance.  She turned it in on time, I got slammed with doing all the things for Mass Transit Muse and never bothered to post it.  Better late than never, right?

Shaped Light Photography

1. How did you come up with your stage name and tag line?  Does it have a special meaning to you?

The lovely Ursula Undress helped me come up with it when I was in classes(ABC &123s of Burlesque). I didn't want to get "trapped" or pegged with a name that wouldn't allow me to explore different avenues of my persona. I.E.-something too sweet/nice that would not necessarily be able to do something dark, etc. So Sunny is my bubbly, extroverted self andMidnight can refer to the sexy/dark/mysterious things that can happen at that time. It's a nice juxtaposition.

2. How did you get started in burlesque?

I went to a show at The Masquerade and saw some awesome performances that piqued my interest so I inquired about classes. Next thing I knew, I was signed up for classes with Syrens of the South. Best.Idea.Ever.

3. What has been your best moment as a performer so far?

Performing at DragonCon (one of my favorite conventions) in front of roughly 1200 likeminded nerds. It was mind blowing.

Lucky Pinup Photography 

4. What is your favorite act to perform?

My housewife number to Etta James's I Just Wanna Make Love To You

5. What is your burlesque dream show?

Ooooo...hmmmm. A show filled with all my favorite performers from all over the world and me being front and center to take it all in. I know it's probably weird I'm not in it, but I so love to watch without the burden of getting prepped for the show or watching backstage.

6. Where do you see your self in the next five years?

Hopefully, more involved. A title or 2 under my rhinestoned belt and more travel for festivals.

7. Tell us something outside of burlesque that you are involved or interested in.

I am a huge nerd. I love going to DragonCon, the East Coast's answer to San Diego Comic Con, and am getting more in to cosplay. I also am a contributor for both Shauncastic (shauncastic.com), a nerdy podcast on pop culture and Traumatic Cinematic(http://traumaticcinematic.com/), a podcast/website that focuses on horror mostly.

Richard LaMarre
Tara Hymen, Sunny's 70s blaxploitation alter ego

8. What do you think is your greatest skill, not including burlesque?

My ability to empathize and see most issues from all sides. Also, my uncanny ability to name most songs in 3 tunes. I wanted to be on Name That Tune when I was younger

9. What are you most looking forward to this year as a burlesque performer? As a civilian?

As a performer: Improving my craft and making quality/entertaining routines. As a civilian: Continuing getting better from my health issues from last year and seeing more shows/traveling as a civilian.

10. Who is your favorite performer to watch?

Perle Noire. She is such an inspiration and a beauty to watch. Full of so much grace and talent. You can't take your eyes off her. I wanna be her when I grow up.

Marc Turnley from BCC - Pinkie Pie!!