Monday, July 8, 2013

Why I haven't added you on Facebook...

1a) We've never met. You randomly sent me a friend request and I have no idea who you are or why you're adding me.  You didn't send me a message or anything introducing yourself and we have no mutual friends.  You do not need to know that I OBSESSIVELY CHECK IN ON FOURSQUARE to make it easier for you to stalk my ass.  You also don't need to hear all my personal thoughts about stupid crap that is too lame for me to even post here.  Seriously...if you think this shit is trivial you would think I had too much time on my hands, and sometimes that's the case.

1b)We've never met, yet we have a lot of mutual friends.  I usually notice that you live far away, like Timbuktu, and yet we have like 50 mutual friends...they're all other burlesque performers.  I'm going to assume that you're a fan and though I appreciate your enthusiasm for my art it's my personal profile my family is also on and I don't want someone going all fan boy talking about how awesome my tits or ass is IN FRONT OF MY DAD.  Thanks for the compliment but really, go add my Katherine Lashe Fan Page so my family doesn't have to read that shit.

2) I have too many friends all ready.  This sounds really vain, but in all seriousness I am not on line enough to be able to read everything everyone posts.  I miss stuff all the time, in some cases important things like I was out of town last week and I miss the fact that MY DAD WAS ROBBED until almost a week later.  Yeah, maybe it's weird that we keep up with each other on Facebook, but we do because I have a crazy schedule with all of the theater stuff and he sometimes stays awake for 36 hours and then sleeps for 12 and I don't know at what time he's awake because he's retired and living on a crazy schedule because he can.  I actually artificially kept my friends list to 666 people because I thought that shit was funny.  Ooooh...evil number of friends!  Really, it was just a random number but it was pretty funny for a minute when other people realized I always had exactly 666 people on my friends list.

3) We've met, but you don't have a pic of you up.  You have something cute for your profile picture or no profile pic which means I can't see what you look like and I am super bad with names.  What does this mean? I HAVE NO CLUE WHO YOU ARE, we might as well have never met.  If I can't look at your picture and know who you are I probably won't add you.  And posting a baby picture doesn't count because frankly I don't talk to anyone I knew as a baby outside of my family and I'm already friends with all of them.

4) We've met only once in passing.  Again, PERSONAL PROFILE, so again, I don't really know you so I'm not very likely to add you on my Facebook page.  There are casual acquaintances I have kind of known for years I haven't added, don't be offended that we met for five seconds once and I didn't immediately go out and add you.  You don't need to know that I had a shitty day and am wanting to vent about how I am cranky because I haven't been able to get my toes did or because I ate some shit that didn't agree with me and I am dying and why won't my friends bring me Taco Bell and Ginger Ale to make me feel better.

5) I don't want to.  Yeah...that's about it, I may just not really want to.  Sometimes I'm a bitch like that.  I'm only allowed 5,000 friends on Facebook and I plan to choose each and everyone of them VERY CAREFULLY.  It may be nothing you did, it could be one of the other reasons listed above or it could just be that for what ever reason I don't feel comfortable letting you have access to all the crap that dribbles out of my fingers from my insane brain because I don't want strangers or respected members of my community to think that I am bat shit crazy.

It's not you, it's me.  Seriously, I'm crazy, neurotic and I have moved passed issues to volumes.  So yeah, please don't be super offended if I haven't added you.  I have almost 200 people waiting for me to add them and this is after I just deleted a bunch of them a a few months ago and I just started breaking the 666 rule.  Have a nice day!