Thursday, January 30, 2014
30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 28
Anytime you see me is my most embarrassing moment. I am pretty much embarrassed all of the time since I'm actually painfully shy and insecure. I never know if I am doing, saying, wearing, etc... the right thing. It is a constant balancing act of trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing at any given time, especially since I have vastly different social groups I am forced to hang out with due to work. Am I being too casual, too business, not business enough, too friendly, too cold...seriously, I NEVER KNOW!
I can fake it most of the time, but generally I am constantly grasping at straws trying to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to do. Have you ever seen Dexter? He always has this inner monologue and is trying to figure out how normal people act? What is the socially acceptable and expecting thing to do right now? THAT'S ME ALL THE TIME. I'm not a serial killer. I have never chopped any animal or person to little pieces and hid the body. I'm just really socially awkward. I was the only girl that played D&D in elementary school, I was really good at math, I never did homework and still ended up in the gift program at school. I dressed weird. I actually did the Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show as part of a presentation for a project in middle school. I was the definition of inappropriate and antisocial/awkward growing up. This did not change as I got older.
I did get lucky and found other people who were into the same things I was. Found the rest of my freaks and weirdos, but it still sometimes feel like I've snuck in and waiting to be found out. Any minute they're going to discover I've infiltrated their cool club and figure out that I don't really belong.
I know a lot of this is left over from when I was a kid and being a geek wasn't cool like it is now. There are pictures of me at Sci-Fi Cons as a baby. I have the coronation dress I wore as a baby when my dad was crowned King in the SCA. I watched all the Dr. Who and everything else on PBS that there was because that's what my parents (and grandparents) watched. I am a third generation geek. Going through my grandparents house and have boxes and boxes of sic-fi and actual science books. I can't imagine a house not being covered in books because it's all I've ever known. So yeah, I come by it honestly, but these are not the things that "made you cool" when I was growing up. Sure, I was queen of the geeks (only girl, I pretty much got it by default) but that still meant I was a geek in a an ungeek friendly world.
So yeah, pretty much any time you see me I am embarrassed going over things in my head trying to figure out what to do. Every moment of my life is the most embarrassing moment ever and I'm just trying to get through it.